Feeling Joy

When I realised that I was Trans I felt a lot of different emotions. I felt scared, I felt confused, I felt different, I felt the same. Mostly though, I felt joy.

feelingjoyful

Understanding a part of your identity is not always easy, much less understanding your gender when you are suddenly confronted with the idea that things are not always the same as we first perceived. I know I struggled, for years, with who I was – who I am. Being different isn’t something that is new to me, but it is also not a fun thing. I was bullied almost all my childhood, right from when I was small, I know what it is to be different.

When I came to the realisation that I was trans, and when I realised I was non-binary, I had a whirlwind of emotions, I came out to my best friend with a massive long message on MSN (I know, blast from the past) where I panicked, sent her the message, then wrote a load of other stuff to get it off the screen. She had to message me in capitals to tell me to stop and that it was okay. She knew, she had no issue with it, and she supported me even to this day (thank you Penny).

When I got over the initial shock and panic, something else joined in, it filled me up, before the worry again about coming out to everyone else. I was joyful.

Being my true self means a lot, it isn’t easy for myself or maybe other people. But the feeling it gives me is just amazing. When I first put on masculine clothing, and got read as male over female, I felt elated. When I first heard people referring to me as they, after having come out as non-binary, I just couldn’t believe it and I just felt so good.

Being trans and being non-binary are not walks in the park. They aren’t easy. But they do have their upsides, and with help from others, they outweigh the negatives. Being respected, treated as a normal human being, that makes a difference.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has helped make my life a bit easier, who have respected me, my pronouns, my life. Thank you.

J

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