I was chatting to my mum earlier and I realised something I hadn’t spoken about on this blog before. It isn’t a massive thing for me personally, nothing ground breaking, but it is something that’s pretty central to whom I am. I am polyamorus, and no, that does not mean I am cheating, nor does that mean I am being cheated on. I am polyamorus, and today I will explain a little bit of what that means to me.
Being poly is not a choice I made, akin to choosing to have pizza or chips for dinner. Being poly only involved one real choice for me, choosing to be happy and explore relationship setups outside of monogamy, or choosing to feel like something was wrong and like I was being unfaithful to my partner by getting feelings for other people.
When Tyler and I got together, we were in a monogamous relationship. We were solely with each other. Tyler had brought up that he used to be in a non-monogamous set up and I didn’t really understand what it meant. I thought that being non-mono meant that you just slept with other people. I thought it meant that you could go and have sex with whomever, as long as you went back to your partner at the end of the night.
It wasn’t a major problem for us, Tyler chose to try and being monogamous for me, he decided he would give it a go. Meanwhile, I was in a position where I felt slightly overwhelmed. I didn’t mind being monogamous, I didn’t mind being unable to sleep with others, the thing I struggled with was not forming relationships that would resemble a romantic connection with other people.
I didn’t voice these concerns with Tyler – something I know now would have saved a whollllle heap of issues – and instead I carried on going. I tried to make sure that I didn’t act on any of these feelings. I wanted to be myself but I just couldn’t bring myself to mention it to Tyler.
Then, nearly a year into our relationship, I came across an article on BBC News that blew my mind. It explained that being non-monogamous was more than just sex, it could mean building a life, it could mean being supported by multiple people, having intimate relationships (and to me the word intimate is not synonymous with the word sex either). It sounded honestly like what I had been searching for.
I tentatively showed Tyler the article, deciding that I needed to say something. I wasn’t entirely sure what he’d say, but his response was golden. He just explained that that was what he’d had before, and he’d be happy doing it again.
I will admit I was a little taken-aback. I expected him to have a problem with it for some reason, the concept seemed too strange to me for someone to actually go along with. But he did. He said it was normal, Tyler had a few friends in non-monogamous set ups, friends that I now would consider really good friends of mine (and no, before you think it, not in that way! Not all poly people are together!).
Working out I was non-monogamous was a groundbreaking moment for me. It may not be a ground breaking thing now, but the moment I realised it, I knew it made sense, the same way that when I realised being non-binary was possible, it just fit.
Being non-monogamous isn’t a massive issue, it isn’t easy, but it isn’t a big deal. Tyler and I are happy, and I am also seeing/speaking to two other wonderful people at the moment, Tommy and Kasey. Tyler has been in a long term relationship with another wonderful human I consider one of my best friends, Stephanie. They are all wonderful people, and a majority of them also have other partners and people they are speaking to/dating. It all works well, and if nothing more it gives me more people to speak to! I mean, have you ever jovially picked on friends with other friends? (With them present of course) Well imagine that in a situation with partners of partners!
This won’t be the last post I put on here about polyamory/non-monogamy, and I hope it hasn’t been too much of a bore, let me know your thoughts on non-monogamy, and I will definitely reply! I have a few more posts in the pipeline at the moment to try and catch up after a bit of a setback after my previous post.