Things Need to Change

​CN: Feelings of worthlessness, brief mention of prozac, ill mental health

I have been absent from blogging for a while now, those of you that read  my blog may have noticed (or may not), and today I want to apologise again for that, it was not planned but seemingly nessisary.

Horizon image with sea, sky and clouds, text reads: Things Need to Change, why I am struggling.
Horizon image with sea, sky and clouds, text reads: Things Need to Change, why I am struggling.

 As I write this I am sitting in bed with Tyler snoring next to me, us both having been up very late last night talking about what needs to change. I am struggling at the moment with my head. I am viewing everything in a negative light, in particular myself, and it is affecting others around me. Tyler and I spoke very frankly, and I expressed my feelings, and he his. One thing was universal, things need to change.
I used to have counselling at a community trans group in Brighton, however due to issues with said group I do not feel happy going back there. I also have a gripe with the counsellor I really struggled with and am unsure if she was the right counsellor for me (despite being the best I’ve had so far). 
I used to rely on this blog to express my thoughts but now I am at a point where I feel that is not possible, that nobody wants to hear me complaining. I don’t know how true or untrue this is. After all, this is my blog and honestly I could write absolutely anything on it I wanted to! But I am reserved, thinking I should only put the things on that everyone wants to hear.
Well today I am saying no to those thoughts of mine. I want to be a better person and part of that means being honest and saying that I am struggling. I don’t have a place to let out my own self hatred. I put on a mask a lot of the time to hide it and it just isn’t working any more. My prozac helps me hide it away, I can pull of the façade 9 times out of 10. But it doesn’t always feel true.
My head is not always a nice place to be. I can have positive thoughts, I get them a lot, but they are often overshadowed by the negative. I am often in a situation where I have had a fantastic day, but my head is picking up all of the small insignificant things that I could have done better, the small interactions which I can amplify in my mind to tell myself that I am hated, that nobody really likes me. I know in my logical brain that it is untrue but that doesn’t stop my emotions clouding over.
The problem with this is that I know I can take these feeligns out on those around me who I love and care for. I know that I do this and by result I push these people away. This post isn’t a cry for help, it is an explaination. It isn’t me looking for compliments, it is me using this blog for what it was originally meant for, a place for my thoughts. 
I am going to return to blogging about gender, sexuality, mental health, and all other topics that interest me. But this will be interlaced by my own thoughts, by my own mind. I am determined not to let my negative emotions take over my head. I want to be a better person, I don’t want to take out my feelings on other people, as that is honestly an awful thing to do. I need to find a way to channel my thoughts and right now this blog seems like the perfect place. After all, it is called Kai’s Life in Words, so I want to talk more about my life.

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2 comments

  1. I was in the same place as you – I actually stopped blogging for half a year! Yet as of the past few months I have been more productive than with anything I have ever worked on before. Just focus on the here and now would be my advice. You’re here now, and you can change the course of you’re future just by acknowledging this.

    It’s also good to know that you’re aware of your depression and what triggers it off. It’s clear that it does not define you. That’s a very important mindset to have 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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