CN: Feelings of worthlessness, brief mention of prozac, ill mental health
I have been absent from blogging for a while now, those of you that read my blog may have noticed (or may not), and today I want to apologise again for that, it was not planned but seemingly nessisary.
As I write this I am sitting in bed with Tyler snoring next to me, us both having been up very late last night talking about what needs to change. I am struggling at the moment with my head. I am viewing everything in a negative light, in particular myself, and it is affecting others around me. Tyler and I spoke very frankly, and I expressed my feelings, and he his. One thing was universal, things need to change.
I used to have counselling at a community trans group in Brighton, however due to issues with said group I do not feel happy going back there. I also have a gripe with the counsellor I really struggled with and am unsure if she was the right counsellor for me (despite being the best I’ve had so far).
I used to rely on this blog to express my thoughts but now I am at a point where I feel that is not possible, that nobody wants to hear me complaining. I don’t know how true or untrue this is. After all, this is my blog and honestly I could write absolutely anything on it I wanted to! But I am reserved, thinking I should only put the things on that everyone wants to hear.
Well today I am saying no to those thoughts of mine. I want to be a better person and part of that means being honest and saying that I am struggling. I don’t have a place to let out my own self hatred. I put on a mask a lot of the time to hide it and it just isn’t working any more. My prozac helps me hide it away, I can pull of the façade 9 times out of 10. But it doesn’t always feel true.
My head is not always a nice place to be. I can have positive thoughts, I get them a lot, but they are often overshadowed by the negative. I am often in a situation where I have had a fantastic day, but my head is picking up all of the small insignificant things that I could have done better, the small interactions which I can amplify in my mind to tell myself that I am hated, that nobody really likes me. I know in my logical brain that it is untrue but that doesn’t stop my emotions clouding over.
The problem with this is that I know I can take these feeligns out on those around me who I love and care for. I know that I do this and by result I push these people away. This post isn’t a cry for help, it is an explaination. It isn’t me looking for compliments, it is me using this blog for what it was originally meant for, a place for my thoughts.
I am going to return to blogging about gender, sexuality, mental health, and all other topics that interest me. But this will be interlaced by my own thoughts, by my own mind. I am determined not to let my negative emotions take over my head. I want to be a better person, I don’t want to take out my feelings on other people, as that is honestly an awful thing to do. I need to find a way to channel my thoughts and right now this blog seems like the perfect place. After all, it is called Kai’s Life in Words, so I want to talk more about my life.