I was looking at ideas for blog posts online recently and this one really struck me. 16 was a very confusing period of my life and there is a lot I know now that I think I could have done with knowing then. If I had the chance to go back, I don’t think I would change much, else I’d not be where I am today, but I think knowing a few things may have helped.
Content includes discussions on coming out, self harm and depression.
Dear Birth Name,
You may wonder why I am calling you Birth Name instead of what you’re known by now, well your name has changed, it is Kai, and you are 22 year’s old. That’s me.
A lot has changed in 6 years, you don’t even live in Crawley now – and no you don’t live in Sunderland either, the place that next year you debate going to university. You also don’t look anywhere near the same, and while this may shock you, you also don’t sound anywhere near the same.
Very soon, if you don’t feel like it already, you will start to question things. It seems a little odd, you are confused by your feelings. Kissing a girl? Why would you have the urge to do that? Well I can only tell you, go with it. Don’t kiss her, that maybe wouldn’t be a good idea, I know I didn’t do it, but go with your feelings, do your research. It will lead to good places.
Eventually you will come to terms with your feelings. They are constantly changing. You are self harming quite badly at the moment. Not many people know. But you know deep down you need to do something about it. Things do get easier. Now, you are 22, you haven’t cut in over a year. You’ve harmed, sure, but it is a last resort now. It is not an every day thing.
I am not going to tell you to do anything different, if you did, you wouldn’t be in the same place I am now. It may not be ideal, you may be struggling a little, but your life is good. You are at least happy, and that is what matters. You live with a wonderful partner, he is great, and your life is moving forward. Take the good with the bad, and relax.
You are a new person, a happier person, and your life is good. Hang in there, things will get easier. It isn’t all doom and gloom forever, no matter how you feel at the moment.
Kai, the 22 year old you
(P.S. attached is a photo of you at prom, vs a photo of now)
I hope you found this okay, and not too difficult to read. There is probably more I could have written, but as I said before, I wouldn’t change anything. I am now 22, I am happy, I am with Tyler, I am living in Brighton, I have a full time job, and I have some fantastic friends. If I hadn’t gone through all of the crap I did, I wouldn’t be here today.
Tell me, is there something you’d like to tell your 16 year old self? Is it long or short? How about at another age? Why don’t you leave a comment, or write a blog post and link it to this one so I can give it a read! I am looking forward to seeing them.