Disclaimer: This post is a little late, I will be the first to admit that. However please bare with me as I get back in the swing of things now we have reached into 2016!
I haven’t been around again much due to work and personal stress, both of which I shall be blogging about soon. However I thought I needed an update, as not only is it now over a year since I have had my blog, gone past Christmas and New Years Day, but for me it has also now gone past my anniversary of the day I got the right hormones in my body – which incidentally was also Christmas day.
Two years ago on Christmas Eve I picked up the box from the pharmacy, I was having a wonderfully awful day. The last day of work, falling over on the street carrying my bags, getting stuck at Clapham Junction instead of making it to Gatwick Airport. It was a bit of a mission. But I made it to my mums and got to bed. I decided not to start my T until the next day, Christmas. It was important to me that I did so, making sure nothing could ruin the day.
I wrote a post about my changes 1 year and 3 months on T, my voice changes were quite significant, and I’ve included them again below for comparison along with one I took on Christmas Day.
One Day on T
1 Year 3 Months on T
2 Year’s on T
Quite significant aren’t they?
My voice was my main point of dysphoria pre-t, I am lucky and passed fairly well visually, but the moment I spoke everyone knew. I had a super high voice. This means even now I still don’t like talking on the phone, I worry when speaking to people for the first time. I know for a fact that my professional and phone voice is very different to my normal voice. It is a lot higher. I have been misgendered at work before purely on my voice – despite having the start of a beard. Unfortunately it is something I am having to train.
Speaking of beards, since my last update I have certainly been able to improve my facial fuzz! I have even had to cut it with an electric razor, just to trim it down to look more presentable. It has also grown back since, much neater, and is on the verge of needing another fresh trim. It is lovely to be in this situation now, my family got me a Nivea for Men set for Christmas which included some post shaving balm in it, which I know next time I will need to use (I have super sensitive skin and had such bad razor burn last time).
My mood also seems to have settled a lot more nearer my shots too. I still am having issues mentally which aren’t helping, but my reactions when I am due my shot are a lot less than before. I am still a little worse than the rest of the time, but I am better than I have been. I think this is a major plus, meaning hopefully in time I will have barely any give away that I am due my injection.
My muscle growth has definitely increased. I am still a larger person so you can’t always see it but I have definitely had a lot of muscle growth in the past two years. The amount of stuff I can carry without issue has definitely increased, and when I am cycling I can feel my legs are a lot stronger and this has happened a lot quicker than pre-t cycling.
My hair!!! Bloody hell am I hairy. I am covered in it all over, my back is taking longer than other areas but over the last few months especially it has certainly grown and darkened. Tyler gets very frustrated with me at times as when he is spooning me my back hair goes up his nose. It makes me laugh!
My self confidence has certainly changed a lot, or fluctuated at least. I am more confident to speak to people in the shop and go into the male bathrooms (I now find myself unable to go into the women’s due to my appearance). However due my own mental health it has left me feeling less self confident in my abilities. This is not directly linked to the T though. Through being on T I have found myself feeling more able to present my non-binary side, my more effeminate features and androgynous feelings. However due to my appearance I find myself feeling shunned in queer spaces.
This I think is linked with the male privilege I now experience. I struggle a lot internally with this – not identifying as male – and find it a very bizarre thing. The idea that just because someone perceives me as male, I am somehow seen as more important to listen to, that I am somehow significant in a way I wasn’t when I appeared female.
This means that in queer spaces I often get looked at like I shouldn’t be there. This is a horrible feeling, being very queer but unable to present it due to work, I am left feeling like I have nowhere to go as straight clubs and bars etc are definitely not where I belong. Tied into this perception of course is the reaction I now get from passers by on the street.
I find myself unable to smile at random strangers, particularly women and particularly of an evening, without seeming creepy. I have struggled a lot with this as I try to smile at everyone. However now, appearing male, I am perceived as a threat which is something I am not comfortable with – though I am fully understanding of the reasons why. This is something I am slowly working through however and I may do a separate post all together about it in the future.
A lot of things have changed since starting testosterone, both for the good and for the bad. I mention them as I go through blogging and I find it helpful to collate them all in a post every now and then. I hope you have enjoyed reading it, drop me a message in the comments below and tell me what you thought!