CW: Surgery, Top Surgery, Transition
I know it is normally Trans Tuesday but I thought this week was slightly different. Today is the anniversary of the day I got a weight off of my chest. Well two weights really, a year ago today I officially became boobless!
The night before my top surgery I was panicking. I suddenly had a wave of “what if I regret it?” I was in tears, what if this was the wrong decision? What if I looked back and hated myself for it? What if I had an awful result and things went terribly wrong? All of this was racing through my head at a million miles an hour, but thankfully I had Tyler there by my side. I had just about managed to convince the university I needed to leave two days before in order to mentally prepare myself (something they weren’t keen on doing as it was ‘only surgery’). I was sitting there sobbing with Tyler beside me cuddling me and he said the one thing that calmed me down.
“It’s okay babe, if you regret it we will just get you a cracking boob job.”
Low and behold, that actually calmed me down!
I laughed and realised it was natural. This was major surgery, something that was incredibly invasive and life altering. Sure I was nervous, but it would have been a bit odd if I hadn’t been (not to say that other people not feeling nervous is a bad thing, for me as someone who over thinks everything it would have been odd).
Then one year ago today it was time to go for surgery. It was a hell of a ride, reading my post Top surgery experience and expectations nearly 4 months on… will tell you a bit more about when I had the surgery and the immediate experience after, for this post today I want to discuss my feelings a year later.
I am officially one year post op now and I am so glad I went through with it and didn’t trust that little doubt I had. Sure it wasn’t all peaches and cream all of the time, but overall I am so pleased with my results. My chest is mostly flat (more on that later) and I am now free of binding which is possibly the best feeling ever. I am also better at exercise because no restricted breathing, I am overall happier and more than anything I can go shirtless!
I went swimming shirtless for the first time on the 3rd of April this year, just three months post op, and I honestly nearly cried. I was back in the pool again a week later, then a few months ago I started going to the Trans Swimming sessions in Brighton. This was such a good decision. Not only did I get to exercise without worrying about my scars, but I also got to meet some pretty damn awesome people who I enjoy seeing every fortnight! Plus just last week Tyler went swimming for the first time in 16 years and he also loved it! It’s so good. Hopefully soon he will experience the same joy as me, swimming shirtless.
My scars aren’t looking great in all honesty, they are still quite raised (though less than they were) and rather pink. However this could be a mix of not being able to wear the post op binder much, possibly moving too much post op and also not regularly applying creams (I forget!). It could also just be the way my chest is, and recently I spoke at a top surgery meeting for FTM Brighton and one guy who had surgery around 10 years ago said that he was surprised but even up until around 5 years post op his scars were changing. I am only a year so it is great to know that.
One other thing that is more of a negative is the fact I still have a fairly fatty area around my chest that is a lot like boob tissue. Because of this I have been seriously considering contacting the surgeon again and enquiring about a revision. I just want a professional opinion about it and hopefully that will sort out any remaining problems.
Overall I am so happy with my results, I finally have a chest closer to what I wanted and I am finally free of binders. I may not have a picture perfect chest, but I have a close enough one!