Before you worry, I don’t mean from blogging. I mean once again from university.
I have already taken 6 months out, but when it came around to signing my documents that allow me back I realised something. I am not ready. I wasn’t well enough and I had to deal with the concequences of that. Perhaps that was scarier than actually taking the break in the first place.
I took time off of uni back in April (this was backdated to January as the last time I engaged in my studies). This was due to a mix of pressure from the university, my councelling team and my health. I ultimately decided that I had three options. Either I pass the year with awful grades and take that into my final year, I fail the year having paid for all of it, or I take time off and sort myself out.
I opted for the latter choice. This meant that in order to come back to university, my doctor and councellor had to sign me back as well enough. It is therein that the problem lies. I wasn’t ready, and they knew it.
I had aimed to spend time bettering my mental health. I was going to de-stress, find work, get some money together and go back with a positive outlook. This was my plan. But then reality set in.
I only started my new job eventually on the 11th August, during the time off my mental health had suffered. It took months to find a councellor, and for that to be someone I was able to confide in. My medication was up and down, and I wasn’t feeling stable. Things happened with friends and family, and it was probably one of the most stressful periods of my life so far. Not at all like how it was supposed to be. I was exhausted and in probably a worse state than I was in before taking the time off.
So I began to tell people.
Now, this was harder than normal too because I felt as though by doing this I had let people down. I felt like I would be hated.
I started with family and this was difficult but ultimately understood. Then I tried to get the contact details of my landlord to cancel my flat. The estate agents were as useful as a chocolate teapot and didn’t even note down that I had contacted them. It took a further two months before they even informed my landlady that I was giving up the room and even then it was super vague and unhelpful.
I told my tutor and university councellor after, who were both more useful than I thought they’d be. I recieved the information on how to postpone and was given a pdf to print (which was unhelpful as I had no method of printing).
Then came slowly more friends. I had spoken to a couple, but, even at the time of writing this, a lot of people are unaware. I feel like I have let everyone down, like I have failed them and this isn’t good obviously. So I will say this now.
If I had not told you before you read this, it is no reflection on you or our friendship, I am just mentally struggling to actually speak to people. I will be back, and please do message me (it is unlikely for me to reach out first because I feel like I have messed up and that everyone will hate me for this). I am sorry.
I also need to tell my bosses, which will be done before this is posted up, and again if you see this I am sorry. I know it is unprofessional of me, and I hate myself for that, I am struggling a lot right now and wish I could change it.
Plans for my year off
My main plan is to work. I am sick of having no money, and I feel like a drain on Tyler and everyone who has helped me out. I get paid next fortnight and I can’t wait. Sure it won’t be massive bucks and I will probably get taxed to the hilt as it is a new job, but it is money. I will be able to pay my way a bit. This will start with getting myself a bus pass. Either this will be a one month pass for £69 or a 3 month student pass for over £100. I think this is definitely worth it, if nothing more it means I will have travel sorted.
Visiting my family is also on my list. This is my blood relatives, and my in law’s (even if technically we aren’t in law’s yet). I haven’t seen my mum and everyone in over a month because of work and I haven’t seen Tyler’s family in over a year. This is awful on both counts. I miss them all and, if I could, I would visit them weekly if it was possible. Sadly it isn’t and while Tyler is away, rather than going to see my family for at least a day, I am home as I can’t afford it. This will have to be rectified when I get paid.
Sort out my medication! When I get paid/Tyler gets back, I am planning to start prozac. This is slightly daunting. Hopefully though it will help and it will make my mental health a bit better. I don’t like having to rely on tablets and I will be still doing councelling but hopefully things will be slightly better.
Doing more stuff independently is another of my goals. I don’t want to go back to uni having been doing absolutely everything with Tyler and suddenly be alone. It’d be horrible. I want to be more independent, something this fortnight will hopefully help with.
Getting involved with the local d/Deaf community is something I would like to do too. Improve my signing and network some more, I think that’d be good.
Make my blog more successful is my final goal I am thinking of for now, and this one isn’t steadfast. It doesn’t have to happen but it would be nice.
So that’s everything from me today, how about you? Do you have anything you’d like to do in the next year or so? Leave me a message in the comments, I will always reply!